Skin to Skin
There can be no breakthrough
without something
or somebody
breaking
I was numb when you came out of me
I knew you by your cry
I knew you by your tiny, fisted hands
You were wrinkled and blue and resistant
to everything
I knew you were mine because you resisted
I knew you by the pins and needles
that awakened my thighs
by my own tears when the nurse came in
to give you a bath and I wanted to punch her
fat face for the impassive way
she marionetted your limbs
flopped you around
as if you were just another baby
As if you were made for this world
That’s how I knew you would always be inside me
even though you’d broken yourself free
It’s late
and you’re snuggled up against me
I can’t sleep
I can’t move
The weight of you
my beautiful you
is crushing
I can’t breathe because I’ve given you all my air
I look at the clock
the TV, the drab carpet
your little head resting on my arm
I watch my feet
flexing toward our faces
from the edge of the bed
I look up at the ceiling fan
and back down to your mushed-up cheek
pressing against my hot skin
What am I looking for?
Something to break
Something to break open, to break through
It can’t be me because I have to be
strong for you
It can’t be you
It can’t be you
It can’t be you